I recently spoke with a friend of mine who’s in the self-improvement business for a long time and he referred to getting rid of some of the emotional baggage from our past as, “coughing up hairballs.” I couldn’t help but get a belly laugh out of that one.
I have always referred to these dealings with ourselves as “taking out the garbage,” but I like his much better. Well, either I like it better or I can add it to the gyrations we need to commit to in order to move some of the sludge out of ourselves and into the light of day, where it can be allowed to dissolve and dissipate.
This work we do with ourselves is difficult work. It entails peering into those places in ourselves and possibly in our past, that we don’t really want to see, or deal with. It can be painful to examine what we do and how we do things that may not be comfortable, or that we need to change about ourselves. Looking at these things and being vulnerable can drum up feelings we’d rather keep hidden away and locked up, however … that is the point of these exercises.
Rather than curl up, hide, deny, and run; we must turn around and face. Face what? Face the bully that’s trying to keep us stuck.
I have had to do this many times in my lifetime and I can say with all of the forthrightness I can muster … it sucks.
It sucks to admit to myself that I have lived and may continue to live in such a way that needs to be faced and repaired. It sucks to have to be vulnerable enough to honestly and sincerely apologize for my mistakes, not to mention, commit to not repeating them. It sucks to allow myself to feel my shame and my grief so deeply that I feel like the world is ending (at least my world) and I can’t possibly move on.
Some of the early hairballs feel like they’re going to choke us out. Incredibly difficult to face and difficult to admit that there are things about us that are in need of intense healing.
As we move forward though, things start to get calmer and that initial lurching and hacking up of the 800 lb. gorillas in the room start to settle down.
The work is necessary, and the work is vital to move our lives forward.
I have been engaged in doing my best to cough up my hairballs for decades and one thing I know for sure: there are still hairballs coming up. This process can and perhaps should carry on for as long as we’re on this rock.
I was recently sitting on my deck at about 4 AM, as I sometimes love to do, looking out at the huge, clear sky, dotted with innumerable stars. It is an interesting balance of breathing in and being grateful for the beauty that is in front of me, whilst awaiting the excitement and internal stir that occurs when I see a shooting star.
Many times, I say “Hi” to a deceased loved one of mine when I see a shooting star, as I feel they are saying “Hi” to me.
On this occasion, as I experienced the beauty and tranquility, I began to speak with my deceased parents. I told them how much I love them and how much I miss them. I told them I am sorry for any pain I may have caused them (as I had also done while they were alive). I thanked them for being my parents and that I know they did the very best they could.
I then started to sob. It wasn’t regret and it wasn’t sadness, although these currents run deep, so it may have had elements of both. More so, at least how it felt to me, it was appreciation, it was love, it was moving on.
I’ll be so grateful when it happens again.
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